I am weak.

Note to Self,

Remember Psalm 28:7 today,

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Psalm 28:7 NIV

I've been finding myself feeling weak and exhausted lately. I don't often have the power in myself to work for the Lord with all my heart. Some days I work out of passion for my work, but I often find myself getting stuck in the grind of daily life and simply growing weary of the work.

I also find myself growing anxious about little things. Burn out sets in and I just get afraid of moving ahead. I'd rather wrap myself in a blanket and hide from the outside world for a while.

I thought of Esther as I considered this feeling of weariness and my desire to fade into the shadows. I'm sure her fear threatened to keep her silent, but she had Mordecai, a wonderful role model who was an encouragement to her. Praise the Lord! We are meant to live in community with other believers so we can build each other up and have confidence in the strength of God.

Before Esther became the queen, she was taken away from her cousin's care against her will and given a full year of beauty treatments. She may have been afraid, angry, or lonely (I certainly would've had those emotions, and more). Then, when she was selected, she was put in a position of secrecy, keeping her nationality and familial connections from her new husband.

When the king's official, Haman, plotted to kill all of the Jews (seriously, if you haven't lately, read the book of Esther) Esther was put in a dangerous position. She had to act on behalf of her people, but,

“All the king’s officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that they be put to death unless the king extends the gold scepter to them and spares their lives. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king."

Esther 4:11 NIV

Man! It would've been so easy for Esther to hide in this scenario. No one knew she was a Jew, and her instinct was likely to stay back in the shadows and spare herself. But she knew God. And she loved her people. Mordecai did not give up on her in her fears though,

he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Esther 4:13-14 NIV

What faith! Mordecai knew that even without Esther's interference, God would still preserve a remnant of His people. But he also knew that God had a sovereign plan for Esther's life. This is an amazing reminder for me. I often have to say to myself, "you cannot thwart God's plans!" I am one person, and God is not surprised by the decisions I make. I may not always make the best decision, but God can still use me to accomplish his will. On the other hand. I need to still seek to do His will. Based on my knowledge of the scriptures, the prompting of the Spirit, and the wise council of my community, I can make informed decisions and seek to further God's agenda instead of my own. Esther's response reflects her heart for God's will.

 Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: “Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

Esther 4: 15-16 NIV

"If I perish, I perish." Those words resonate through my head when I think about the great strength in them. Only God can put a strength like that in me. As humans, we are wired towards self-preservation. But an attitude that says, I'm terrified, but if I die, I trust God to use even that, shows a faith that is bigger than her fear. We have a hope that goes beyond our country, our comfort, or our social circles. We have a much bigger source of truth and hope. I don't want to put my hope in anything or anyone besides my heavenly Father.

Even so, Esther took 3 tries before she built up the courage to tell the king about the plot to kill the Jews. Of course, Esther was afraid of what it would mean to reveal herself as a Jew in front of Haman. But eventually, she revealed the plot as an evil and a threat to her people. And the king responded! He allowed Mordecai to set up an edict on behalf of the king.

 The king’s edict granted the Jews in every city the right to assemble and protect themselves; to destroy, kill and annihilate the armed men of any nationality or province who might attack them and their women and children, and to plunder the property of their enemies.

Esther 8:11 NIV

The Jews celebrate this deliverance to this day. All because of one young Jewish woman who trusted in God to give her the strength she needed. She didn't do this because she was exceptional in any way but because she trusted in God to give her the confidence and power she needed to save her people. Even so, God ultimately delivered the people. God put King Xerxes into power and allowed him to have a softened heart towards Esther. He also allowed Mordecai to hear of and stop a plot against the king, which gave him standing before the king. God's hand is clearly shown throughout the entire book of Esther, even though God isn't even mentioned. It is so clear that He is working, that we can see His sovereignty woven throughout the entire narrative!

God is still sovereign today, no matter how hopeless life gets, He is still at work in our lives. He still moves to deliver us from the temptation to sin and act according to our own wills. He will strengthen me today and every day to do the work He has given me to do, even if I don't see what He is doing through me. If I am a light to even one person, I know that seemingly small impact brings glory to God. And that is enough.